Re-Write Your History!

Re-Write Your History and Create the Future You Want!

Have you become a victim to your past? Decided you’re unlovable, unworthy or less than because of the meaning you’ve assigned to the experiences you’ve had?  Life happens, events occur – we see things, exchange words, experience feelings and then we use our interpretation of what we’ve experienced to assign meaning to it all. Have you ever noticed that a number of people can participate in the same event yet each person will have their own unique experience of it?  My honey and I can watch the same movie, seeing the same scenes and hearing the same words yet we don’t always re-act the same to it. He’ll laugh when I cry and usually one of us ends up enjoying the movie more than the other.  

This is exactly what we do in our lives – we assign meaning to the events we experience, based on how we’ve interpreted it at the time. The meaning then becomes our memory of the event, having a natural influence on the flow of our lives. Our past, which remains part of us, continues to influence how we participate in creating our lives moving forward. Every time a memory is triggered in a present moment, the emotional tone (energy) of the meaning we’ve previously assigned to it naturally influences how we are creating in that moment - it becomes part of the mix.

“The only meaning that anything has is the meaning we give it.”  A Course in Miracles

If the meaning you’ve given your past is not supporting you in creating the life you want now – change it! Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Not always.  Not when the meaning  we’ve given the story is keeping us safe or powering us up by making us feel important, right or justified. This sort of empowerment is usually gained through a limiting power source – a source that takes from another in a depreciating way.

Power gets its juice from feeding off of another source of energy.  Limiting power like thoughts have a, “I’m better, smarter, more beautiful, more creative, more…. than they are” ring to them, lifting oneself up while putting someone else down. Or like “I’m not as good/smart/pretty/tall/thin/creative… as them”; putting oneself down while inflating another – possible putting them on a pedestal  for the sake of keeping oneself safe (and small).

True or real sourced power feeds off of the never ending abundant supply of potential and possibility that is freely available to all – and harms none! True power thoughts sound like “I can do this”, “I am enough”, “I am learning and growing” or “what is possible now?”  Notice how the focus is on the self – self acknowledging, self accepting and self motivating. When we don’t include the ‘other’ in our own meaning, we neither puff them up nor knock them down, the meaning you give is about YOU. Other people will assign their own meaning to a shared event and it will be about them.  As tempting as it is to take another person’s meaning personally – it serves us to remember that it isn’t.    

If reality is an illusion, what illusion do you want to create as your reality?

We can’t go back and change the ‘facts’ of the past; we need to accept the facts as they are. What we can do is go back and change the meaning or story that we’ve made up about our past. Doing so, changes the impact and influence the past is having on our lives in the present and going forward.

Let’s take the example of being laid off from a job due to restructuring; many of us have had this sort of experience at least once.  The feeling of being laid off doesn’t usually feel great – even when it’s what we’ve secretly (or not so secretly) been wishing for, actually being asked to leave the building or to being escorted off the premises can sting. Far too often after this sort of experience I’ve heard people make up stories like “I wasn’t appreciated, someone was out to get me, I must have something wrong – all these sort of ‘meanings’ can leave one feeling rejected –again, not a pleasant feeling. They can also leave a person feeling disempowered, which is NOT a resourceful state to be in when looking of  new employment or planning your next steps.

What we need to do in such a case is separated the facts from the fiction. This actually happened to me in 2003 – I was laid off from my banking job without cause. And even though I was able to COMPLETELY recognize how I had consciously participated in creating the experience, on the day it un-expectantly happened, it stung! I told myself a whole much of *BS* that I needed to later retract. The FACTS were that I was no longer employed. I had been told I was laid off without cause, meaning  I had not done anything wrong – it served me best to believe that.  It was not where I wanted to stay career wise and I had already been working towards a new career. Those were the facts.  The story that served me without belittling anyone else (or myself) is that I needed to be let go, so that I could focus on the career I really wanted for myself. That if this was happening now, it must be time! One door had closed forcing me to walk through the other door that had already been opened. When I attach that story to the experience of being laid off, it feels empowering and promising – a bit scary for sure, however in an exciting way.

Changing the meaning of a past event may not necessarily erase the one you had previously assigned to it.  When I recall hearing the words and being escorted out of the branch, a slight sting still remains. I now use that feeling as a trigger that reminds me of my power to “choose” the story I remember… guess which one I chose?

We humans do tend to be creatures of habit; choosing a more empowering meaning or reinforcing a new story can take time. Be kind to yourself as you work on retraining your mind to more regularly tap into potential and possibility while harming none, the source of true power, when assigning meaning to life’s events.

Re-write the meaning of your past and become the hero/heroine of your own life’s journey.

Choices – Realizing what you are really saying Yes and No to?

Consider that every choice you make has an effect. Every time you say yes to something/one, you are saying no to something/one else. What you say yes to effects that which you say yes and no to and what your say no to affects that which you say no and yes to.

This little insight – or reminder – came today as I found myself having to say no to my honey, which is particularly challenging for me as he does SOOOO much for me that I truly appreciate. (Kisses Honey).

I'll give you some context and illustrate this point at the same time.

Here in Ottawa we are experiencing a bus strike. The unionized workers of our public transportation provider were not pleased with some of the conditions that were being proposed in their renewing contract. As a result of the changes the city wanted to make, they were saying yes and no to certain needs of their employees and their working conditions (I won’t go into those details). As a result, the union and employees said yes to fighting for the conditions they want to keep and no to the ones being suggested by the city. As a result of that, they said yes to a strike and no to providing public transportation to approximately 1 million people. This 1 million people includes their own neighbors, friends and family, therefore I can only imagine that this decision wasn’t made in haste. (BTW, I am not writing this to judge – my intention is to use this example to share a message).

As a result of the strike, thousands of people have had to change how they work and commute about the city. My partner, who regularly travels to work downtown by bus, has chosen to work from home most days, saying no to contributing to and driving in high traffic volumes and saying yes to being flexible, saving on gas, parking fees, time and so forth. Since I work from home as well, his saying yes to working from home has an impact on me. While this means saying yes to more frequent kisses throughout the day it also means saying yes to more distractions and no to productivity to some degree. Obviously the kisses aren’t an issue, however there are a number of other areas we’ve both said yes and no to in order to be flexible and accommodate each others needs during this time.

During the first couple of weeks, this was easy enough to do, however “easy” became “challenging” as the effects of the some of the YESES and NO’S continued to negatively affect my sense of productivity throughout each day. While it is very important to me to be flexible for my partner, I had to address what I was really saying yes and no to by doing so. I realized that by saying yes to being accommodating, in some cases I was saying no to having my needs for being productive met. It was time to start making some different choices in hopes that my Honey would understand and work with me (which of course he does!)

Bottom line, when we say yes or no to any one thing, by default or conscious choice we are saying yes and no to something as well. When we have a challenging time reconciling with our decisions or they become tough to follow through on, we need to take some time to acknowledge all that we've said yes and no to by making this choice – and then adjust accordingly.

Reality Alchemy #2 - Understanding Cause and Effect

What Came First, The Chicken or the Egg???

You know what it’s like to get caught up in an emotional downward spiral. One moment you’re feeling absolutely fabulous and suddenly you’re aware that you’ve somehow spun into a negative funk. You realize you’ve become angry, irritated or self deprecating; thinking thoughts that are perpetuating the mood. How did you get there so fast?

Some experts would suggest that a thought, triggered by an external event resulted in an emotion and it spiraled from there. While others would suggest an emotion, triggered by an external event, then triggered thoughts aligned with the emotion. It’s a matter of cause and effect, but what’s the first cause? Kind of like trying to figure out which came first, the chicken or the egg (figured that one out yet?)

Consider that:

Before a thought is a cause, it’s been an effect… every thought causes an effect.
Before an emotions is a cause, it’s been an effect… every emotion causes an effect.

Both emotions and thought are the cause and the effect and until we determine “original cause” in the world of chaos (good luck! :) ) we need to realize this.

As we respond to events, moment by moment, trying to figure out whether a feeling came before a thought or visa versa… well that takes a sort of mental discipline that most of us don’t yet possess. A more effective approach to start with is; the moment you start noticing how a thought is causing an emotion and how the emotion is causing the next though – you can intercede. Shift the current flow of cause and effect of your current stream of thoughts and emotions by choosing either a thought or an emotion that will start altering your current course.

For example – I’m upset at my boyfriend for not noticing, the moment he came home from work, that I’ve cleaned the floor and washed the car. I feel hurt that he hasn’t noticed and start thinking that he doesn’t care. Then I feel sad and start wondering “what does he expects of me?… is this not enough earn his appreciation?” Now I’m feeling angry, I worked so hard all day and got a bunch of chores done…I think you get the point.
The moment I become aware of how my thoughts and emotions are sending me down the stream into an emotional and mental frenzy, I stop… I take a deep breathe and choose a new thought. I choose to remember all the times he has expressed gratitude for something
I’ve done; like the last time I did our laundry. Immediately the emotion shifts to a feeling of calm. Then I become curious as to how his day was so I ask. He shares the many challenges of his day. Now I’m feeling compassion for him. I start wondering about what I can do to help him release the stress of the day. Next thing you know, he looks around, takes a whiff and says “mmmm…. it smells so clean in here, did you wash the floor?” “Thanks honey….”

To summarize, here are the steps to getting back into a more desirable stream of cause and effect:

1. Awareness – notice how your thoughts and feelings are flowing in the moment
2. Accept that you are the one participating in this current flow and you are the one who can change it. Take a deep breath in.
3. Alter your course by choosing a thought or feeling that you know will cause a more desirable emotion or thought.
4. Awareness – notice how your thoughts and feelings are flowing now

So what came first, the chicken or the egg? It you figure that one out, please let me know!