Taming Christmas Shopping Overwhelm for HSPs and Empaths

 

Christmas shopping in malls can be a challenge for Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) and Empaths. If you’re like me, just looking at the image above stirs a feeling of unease. It’s the crowds.  Not only can we be overwhelmed by the noise and people, but we also pick up on both the obvious and less obvious myriad of emotions emanating from them. All that excitement, frustration and anxiety; it can be a very tiring and taxing outing for most people, and even more so for HSPs and Empaths.

Instead of putting yourself through that, or if you want to limit your exposure, consider the following holiday shopping tips.

1. Plan your mall trip on an evening early in the week as malls tend to be less busy on Monday and Tuesday evenings, and start getting busier by mid-week.
2. Better yet, plan your mall trip on a Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday during the day, even if you have to take a day or half day off work to do so.  Get it all done by noon then treat yourself to a well-deserved lunch.
3. Avoid the malls altogether and do your shopping from home, online. Just make sure to order early enough so your gifts arrive on time, and be mindful of possible knock offs if ordering from Amazon’s third party resellers. Know from whom and where you are buying from.   

If you can’t avoid the malls in December completely, or at least during the busy hours, here are a few tips to lessen the impact of the hustle and bustle of being in the crowd.

1. Be prepared. Have your list ready; go in, get what you need, and get out. Do your browsing online ahead of time to get gift ideas, instead of browsing in the stores. 
2. Go in a good mood. Let yourself get into the spirit of the season by focusing on the Christmas music being played. Notice all the pretty glittery decorations and colorful displays, but keep focused on one pretty thing at a time because the abundance of lights and glitter can be overwhelming. Keeping your energy more spirited and joy filled amongst all that chaotic energy around you will help neutralize some of it at the least, or bounce off you at best.
3. Go with a friend and make it a fun outing. Help each other with gift ideas, and enjoy a lunch or dinner afterward – preferable in a quieter environment.

As an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person, you may still feel spent after any mall excursion during the holiday season, even if you’ve done your best to limit your exposure to all that sensory overload. Here are some simple self-care tips to help you unwind and recover after a day of Christmas shopping.

1. Relax in a warm salt bath infused with your favorite calming essential oil – my fav is lavender.
2. Unplug! Give your sensory receptors a break and read a book or magazine instead of watching TV or getting online.
3. Sit by the fireplace with a nice cup of tea, eggnog, glass of wine, or other favorite beverage.   

 The best of the holiday season is that it’s an opportunity to share time with family and friends, and to give of ourselves to others. As empaths and HSPs, we need to balance that with caring for ourselves, and giving in personally meaningful ways.  When we do, even though the lead up to the big day is challenging or draining, the knowing we’ve given meaningfully, have treated ourselves well in the process, and are enjoying the love of family and friends hits us just as deep – focus on that, amplify that feeling. Our high sensitivity can sometimes feel like a curse, and it can also feel like a super power.  Let it be a super power!  Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!

Re-framing Failure

 Coaching Tip:  Reframing Failure

Far too often we can be hard on ourselves for not meeting our goals or intentions. If you did not accomplish something on your list, it is only considered to be a failure if it is a goal you still want to achieve, one that is really important for you the keep working at, but you choose to let it go instead. The journey to completing any goal is exactly that - a journey. It is a journey which often includes travelling along winding roads, up hills (usually steep ones!), down hills, along peaks and valleys, through various weather conditions, climates and terrains and in the end, it takes the time it takes. If you didn't complete something on your list over the past year, ask yourself the following questions:

What was important to me about this goal when I decided to take it on?

What is most important to me now in relation to this goal?

What have I learnt so far? What has changed?

If I continue working towards this goal, what will it require of me? Who will I need to be?

If I decide to let it go now, what impact will that decision have on my life 5 or 10 years from now?

Having answered the above questions, now decide:  Do I want to continue working towards this goal in this new year or it is it time to let it go?

While it may be tempting to that ask the last question first, I recommend keeping it to the end. Getting yourself thinking along the lines of values and what is important to you will lead you to make a more congruent decision about how important it is to keep working at it or to let it go.

Busting The Independence Myth

I was thinking about independence this morning, and reflecting on how hard it is for some of us to ask for, let alone accept it. I know I’m guilty of that myself, and while on one hand, I thoroughly enjoy the activity of figuring things out on my own, I sometimes let myself struggle too long and end up giving up, instead of asking for or accepting the specific help I need. I like the feeling of being independent, of doing it on my own, and as I was thinking about this with my morning coffee, I remembered the fallacy of that feeling.

The idea of independence is somewhat of a myth. NOTHING happens without the contribution of someone or something, other than, and outside from ourselves. We are rarely as self-sufficient as we think we are.

Let’s use the everyday bodily function of going to the washroom as an example. One of the first things we are proud of accomplishing all on our own as infants, we don’t actually do on our own. For starters, think of the number of people and systems that contributed to the manufacturing of the toilet and toilet paper you are using every time you go. And the reason you need to go in the first place, is due to the food and beverages you've consumed which also involved the efforts of various people and systems to make available. Even if you just drank tap water, there are a number of systems that have been put in place that make that possible. And don't forget all that was involved in building the room or structure that is providing you with the privacy to even attempt such monumental feat. An accomplishment – yes, all on your own… not by a long shot! I realize this is a pretty simple example, and I challenge you to review anything you think you’ve done on your own today or anytime in your life, and see if it’s absolutely true. Even breathing outdoors is possible only due to nature’s system of photosynthesis.

Why am I busting your bubble by writing this and sharing it with you?  (BTW – I’m busting my own bubble at the same time… see you’re not alone J ) When we get attached to the idea that we need to do it all on our own, we risk losing sight of all that supports our ability to do anything at all. And in loosing sight of that, we may forget to be grateful for and express appreciation to, all that does contribute to any of our successes – from the minutest of tying our shoes and learning how to ride a bike, to the bigger accomplishment of earning a degree, having a baby or building a business. We truly do not, nor can we, accomplish anything on our own. It saddens me to witness someone struggling to ask for help (frustrating when it’s me) because they think they need to do it on their own. It infuriates me when a loved one won’t reach out because they think they are the only one who can do it (embarrassing when that’s me), and it breaks my heart when someone can’t see that they're not all alone in this world. I've been of these, and will like be again; this is a reminder for me that I’m sharing in case it can be one for you too.  

Along with acknowledging all that contributes to anything we do, is the reality that we too, contribute to the success and empowerment of others. Most of the time, we are not even aware that we are doing so.

Independence is a myth – interdependent is what we naturally are. 

Next time you’re resistant to ask for help, digging in your heels and feeling like you need to do it all on your own, remember the fallacy in that idea… you can’t, it’s not possible, so let go of trying! Paying it forward is a natural part of our system - as humans and as a part of nature. And if it is a matter of wanting to control… great, then be IN control, by asking for the help you want, as you need it, allow it to come and be over the top grateful, that you got to choose, witness, acknowledge and give appreciation to, the source of at least ‘some’, of ALL (much of which you many never know) that contributed to your success… or failure. Did I just pop another myth bubble? Yes, we naturally contribute to each other’s failures too; we are not solely responsible for those either J.  

How Does One Grow Thicker Skin?

How do you grow thicker skin? As an emotionally sensitive person, I’m often told to grow thicker skin. Which confuses me because my doctor has never once suggested my skin is too thin. Yet non medical people keep judging my skin as too thin… is there a supplement I can take for that? An herbal remedy perhaps?  How does one go about growing thicker skin? And what makes people think I need to in the first place?

It’s because I’m highly empathic and emotionally sensitive. To the people who think I need ‘thicker skin’, it means I tend to over react to things that bother me. It means I cry too easily and take things too personally.

For the highly empathic person (aka empath), it means that we regularly experience emotional shifts as a result of external influences, at an amplified level. Contrary to popular belief, these emotional reactions have little to do with how we are ‘thinking’ in the moment, and everything to do with how we experience whatever has just shifted outside of us. That external influence might be someone or something that has just entered our immediate environment, it might be the weather or something someone has said to us. When people speak to us, it isn't just the words we hear; we also feel their tone and the emotion of the person speaking,  as well as the emotion of anything they are not saying.

When someone speaks to me as they are feeling joy, peace, calmness or excitement, that can be as contagious as a yawn for me. I’ll immediately feel that energy inside me so intensely that if I’m not already in a similar state myself, I immediately experience a shift in my mood that matches their energy, which I usually welcome and allow.

When someone speaks to me as they are feeling angry, frustrated, enraged or disappointed, while I hear their words, inside I experience the energy force of the emotion that person is exuding as they speak. As I experience this sensation inside me, it can feel intense or overwhelming. Since the feeling is usually uncomfortable, it isn’t welcomed and my response to it may be resistance, to move away, or to react verbally depending on the situation. It has an automatic effect on my own inner state, and requires a very conscious effort to combat.  

I often hear other coaches and self help experts argue that; “it’s not what they say that you are reacting to, but what you are ‘thinking’ about what they say”. 

While I fully agree that our thoughts effect our emotions, in respect to the experience I am describing, that is not what is going on. I’ve been self reflecting on how I experience my emotional nature for over 40 years, and I can say with certainty, that in many cases, my reaction is not connected to anything I am thinking at the time. It is linked to how I experience the impact of the outside energy, as it connects to, and enters me. I feel it internally, and once inside, the sensation is usually so strong that it causes an in-kind reaction - often tears. 

Here are a few personal examples that have helped me to better understand my own emotional nature, that really nailed it for me:  

A few years ago there was a fellow who appeared on Britain’s Got Talent, Paul Potts. A video of him singing a song in another language, that I do not understand (may have been Italian), was circulating the web. Curious, I clicked on the link to watch and listened to it.  About half way through I feel this energy stir inside me and I start crying. I felt so moved, literally inside, that the tears just flowed. I couldn’t have been affected by the words, because I had no idea what was being said. I was affected by the emotion coming through his voice, as I saw many people in the audience were. The only thought I had before the tears was “wow”, which as I write, is not evoking any tears. Then I was pretty much thoughtless until the end when again all I could think was, “wow, that was beautiful!”

 

Second example is when my Honey and I visited the Grand Canyon for the first time. As we approached the lookout, I was glancing around. As we arrived at the point, I looked out and suddenly felt this wave of emotion inside me, and I started to weep. In that moment I was thoughtless and speechless; I was in awe. I can’t even say what I was in awe of, I mean the Grand Canyon is  beautiful and phenomenal but I can’t in all honesty say for sure what hit me. However, something did, and if I can’t identify what it is, then I really couldn’t have been thinking much to be causing such tears.

My next example is similar to the Grand Canyon. This time we are approaching Stonehenge in England. It’s raining and I'm wearing a hooded rain coat. I’m walking toward the magnificent stones and it starts… this wave like sensation inside, that seems to get ignited in my upper solar plexus, moves up through my heart area and that is when the tears start streaming. Again… no words, no thoughts, just awe.

A more general example is the numerous times with clients, and it can happen whether we are in person or while coaching over the phone,  I will suddenly experience a wave like sensation inside and tears swell up in my eyes. This usually happens in response to an emotion that has been building up, but not yet released, in them.

These are some of the more welcoming experiences that come with being empathically sensitive; however there are lots of not so welcomed ones too. When someone is angry with me, the same thing will happen; I get hit with the energy of the anger coming through them, not so much the words, and all thinking stops. Growing up, all my dad ever needed to do was say my name in that certain ‘tone’ and the tears would start. As it hits me, I experience an intense sensation inside of me. It’s not so easy to ‘not take other people personally’, when you feel their offending emotion inside your own physical body as if they were your own. If someone is frustrated with me, I feel it deep. Or if someone is just plain frustrated while speaking to me about their day… the only way I can explain it is like this; the energy of their frustration pierces through me and I experience it in a more intense way than other people listening to the same person would. So when I say to them “I get your frustration”, I really do ‘get’ their frustration.

So I do understand the tendency is to suggest I grow thicker skin; somehow the energy is getting through my skin and into by body, in a way that the people suggesting this aren’t experiencing themselves. And while it isn't  my 'thinking' that is causing my emotions in such situations, I need to use my ability to steer my thoughts to manage my reaction to how I experience emotions, my own and especially those of others. The first step was to realize that I wasn't wrong, weak or somehow broken because I cry so easily. It is such a relief to 'get' that, and it took a lot of years for that idea to  really sink in. When you really get that it is just how you personally experience your emotional nature, then you can also know there is something you can do WITH it, so that the effects are... more of what you want and less of what you don't.    

Letting Go

Boobs are sagging

Hair’s turning grey

Getting a new wrinkle every day… and Letting Go

Letting go of being in control, or trying to controlling what everyone thinks of me. In letting go I allow the mystery of the universe back into my life.

Knowing how the laws of the universe work, intellectually and experientially, empowered me to control (or think I was controlling) how others see me, who effects me and how, and better manage what I get in life. It also made me very aware that any stress and all effects of stress are of my own doing… and that I needed to be controlling that too. With knowledge comes power, for better or worse – it really is both a gift and curse.  

However in the years the lead up to this ingrained intellectual awareness, I followed the flow and mystery of life, as it brought me synchronistic opportunities, one after the other. Coincidences that made me pay attention and act. Signs and messages. While in the flow of life, uncertain of exactly how it operates, life graced me with what I desired. Always listening, it inspired my direction and told me what to work for, all the while leaving hints and signs along the way that would enable me to connect the dots and realize how it all worked. Once I figured it out on an intellectual level, then validated by so many other peoples insights and books, I became more acutely aware of my responsibility – of everything! My value for control took over to consciously use what I ‘knew’ to steer my life. That intellectual knowledge brought with it the ability to control my universe… albeit at a price. I somehow lost some of the magic that had come with not fully knowing, while still figuring it out.

Now, I want that magic back – all of it! I RELEASE CONTROL and fully surrender to flow. Listening for signals, feeling the signs and hearing the pull… I let go and flow.

Letting go,

My boobs are sagging

My hair’s turning grey

I see a new wrinkle every other day.

And I smile… fascinated by the change I see along the way.

2014 Meditation - Creating with your Inner Wise Self

 In support your life's vision for 2014, I am sharing the meditation Pierrette Raymond and I recorded for her More than Just Business Community.

You are about to take a journey into your future - the future where you are living your 'best self' life. This is the future life that comes to be as a result of listening to and following through with the advice of your inner wise self. During this meditation you will connect with your inner wise self and gain insight and inspiration to support your aims for the coming year. Everyone will experience this meditation uniquely - there is no right or wrong way to experience it. If you don't receive any specific guidance or insight while listening to the meditation, if it come in bit foggy or if you fall asleep... not to worry. Both you and your inner wise self will have experienced the energy of your future and over the coming days the insights will continue dropping in and synchronicity will continue working it's magic. And you can always come back and experience the journey again!  Also included is a worksheet to use along with the mediation for note taking, so please print it up before you start so you'll have t he questions handy.  Enjoy!!

https://conscious-creation.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/2014-Best-You-Meditation.mp3

Your Best Wise Self Advice for 2014 Worksheet

Thank you to Roger Ellerton for the lovely background music titled Sailing.

The Illusion of Attraction - Part Two

 Back in January I wrote Part One of The Illusion of Attraction. In it I shared how the idea that we are solely responsible for creating our reality is an illusion and how impossible it would be for us to do so. Using David Copperfield’s act as a Master Illusionist, I compared how all that is involved in making his illusions appear real, to all that is involved in our own creations appearing like we make them happen.  While we do influence our reality with our thoughts, no one person makes things happen on their own. We are co-creators with every other influencing factor that contributes to reality.  The good news is that we can all cut ourselves some slack and not live in fear that every negative thought is going manifest.  I’m sure you have daily experiences of how that isn’t how it works, yet if you listen to some of Rhonda Byrne’s teachers from “The Secret” they would have you monitoring every thought. Try it – I did and just about drove myself nuts.

So what can we do, to have greater influence over our lives? Develop your intuition! 

Your intuition is the key in identifying the best strategies to put in place, to have the most favorable possible influence over the co-creation of your reality. Tuning into and interpreting your own vibe and the energy around you enables you to acknowledge the impact of your personal influence in any moment. Let your intuition inform you of the attitude or thoughts that need to shift to bring your whole self into alignment with what you are wanting.  When you are clear with what you want, your intuition will guide you to it.

Recently my honey and I were buying a new car. We made a list of “must haves” as well as the “would be nice to haves” allowing our inner feelings to guided us. With some research we narrowed our search to four models of cars. Following my intuition, a call to my mechanic brought it down to two. Then one night we went to a dealership and there is was, the first car we were shown had everything on the list down to the previous owners having been mature folks who had taken good care of it and had loaded it up with all of our “would be nice to haves”.  Did we manifest this car?  As fun as it is to think so… no we did not.  We knew what we wanted, what was important and our intuition lead us to where the car we wanted already existed.

For many of us, our intuition is leading us much more than we realize. I’ve met lots of people who were very intuitively directed, but when asked didn’t think so due to a preconceived idea of what intuition is – crystal balls and tarot cards. Not everyone recognizes their natural insightfulness as intuition, but it is and the more it’s developed, the better influence one can have on the co-creation of not only our own reality, but the collective reality as well. Developing our intuition empowers us to tune in and make more informed decisions for ourselves and be in the flow more often.

 

The Illusion of Attraction - Part ONE

I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard people ask, “Why didn’t it work? I did everything I was suppose to; I made myself think positively, envisioned the outcome I wanted, put it on my vision board, held the right emotions… I did everything the Law of Attraction told me to do. Why didn’t it work?” Next they start trying to figure out what they did wrong. Was it because they said “I need…” instead of “I want…” – yes that must be it!  Really??

 I’ve had a love/hate relationship with the Law of Attraction ever since it was popularized by Rhonda Byrne’s movie “The Secret” in 2006.  While many of the ideas shared fit my own of how we can more consciously create our lives, there was always something in how it was being portrayed in the movie that didn’t completely resonate with me.  Recently it hit me, what if the missing puzzle piece is that there isn’t anything actually missing – maybe it’s the idea of the “Law of Attraction” that’s flawed. Yes, our thoughts, feelings and beliefs contribute greatly to our outcomes – but the idea that we are solely responsible for creating our realities is not a Law, but an Illusion!

Perhaps you’ve heard of the master illusionist David Copperfield? His genius is to create illusions, visual manifestations that appear real.  A few years ago I got to attend two of his performances in the same evening. The show includes his famous “Portal Illusion”, which can be viewed online on You Tube, where he appears to teleport himself and a woman from the audience to a beach in Hawaii.  Together they suddenly disappear and within seconds a livestream video shows the two of them suddenly appearing on a beach in Hawaii. To make the illusion more believable, before leaving Ottawa they ‘randomly’ pick a number of audience members to help create a picture to bring with them on their journey. In awe, the audience gasps in unison as the woman who now appears to be on a beach thousands of miles away, pulls the picture out from her pocket. Everyone is amazed and I hear a couple behind me asking each other – “Was that for real?” David leaves the woman on the beach and reappears in the Ottawa audience, just a few seats away from me.

 “The Secret” has served as a catalyst for thousands of people, awakening them from the illusion of being mere victims of their circumstances, to considering the possibility that their thoughts, feelings and beliefs alone, are responsible for creating what happens to them.  They started taking control and as a result became more aware of how their thoughts and feelings were affecting what they are attracting.   David Copperfield can make a car appear out of thin air or vanish before our eyes and reappear on a beach thousands of miles away – or so it seems.  Many of the people whose lives were significantly changed by following the ideas presented in “The Secret” started believing that through the proper use of the Law of Attraction they could create anything they wanted.  All they needed to do is to think the right thoughts and feel the right feelings and ‘poof’ it would appear.  We know that what David Copperfield does in his show is an illusion – not real.  What if the Law of Attraction is like that; sometimes it can appear that only our thoughts and feeling are creating our realities, but in reality there is much more involved! 

Back to David Copperfield’s show - take two.  For the second time I’m witnessing his amazing Portal Illusion, but wait… the woman he’s taking with him is the same woman from the first show, the one he left on the beach in Hawaii. Not only that, somehow the exact same members of the audience are  ‘randomly’ picked to create the picture they bring with them – which was pretty amazing  in itself when you see how these people were chosen!  And the picture ends up looking the same too. Now we’re starting to see some of what goes on behind the scenes contributing to the illusion and it looks like there are a lot of people in on the secret!  

Now, my intention isn’t to ‘out’ David Copperfield. During the show he himself assures us that he isn’t trying to convince us that what he is doing is real; he is creating illusions.  My intention is to invite you to question the probability that any of us could be even remotely capable of creating our reality on our own. David Copperfield, a master illusionist, requires a huge team, very specific conditions and supports to create the magic he presents in each show.  He could never pull off such magic all on his own.  Likewise, none of us are capable of manifesting anything on our own and no one thought or emotion is going to make or break our ability to achieve a goal. There is always so much more going on under the surface and in our environment that is contributing to and influencing the possibility of every success or failure we experience. The idea that we could control every outcome with our thoughts, beliefs and feelings is an illusion – believing that is all it takes would be a delusion.

Think of a goal you recently achieved or a time when something happening that you didn’t want to have happen – like catching a cold. Try to bring into your awareness every contributing factor that lead to that outcome.  Every thought, feeling, belief, choice, action, the people involved and the added influence of their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, choices and actions; items that were used and how they come to exist, the various synchronicities and coincidences and choices people made that contributed to such happenstance; the weather, the elements, cells, bacteria, planetary positioning … just try to acknowledge every single contributing factor and to figure out what exactly lead to the outcome.

Even Jesus acknowledged; “I can of my own self do nothing.” John 5:30

We are not creating our own reality, nor are we merely pawns of some greater force.  We are participants of a co-creative process, on this planet that we are part of, constantly supported and influenced by higher intelligences, each other, the elements, every aspect of nature and celestial influences.  

Ending 2012 With Gratitude Ritual

It’s that time again - one year is coming to completion, making way for a new one to begin.  I like to complete each year with a closing ritual that includes taking time to review the past 12 months to remind myself of what I accomplished, what I didn't do or get to, and  go over what I learnt along the way. I invite you to join me in consciously completing and celebrating 2012 with the following exercise.

Get yourself comfortable with some paper, pen, and a yummy beverage, creating an ambient environment. I like lighting a bunch of candles and burning some incense, like frankincense or amber. Start by taking some time to review 2012 – grab your journal, agenda, vision board, list of goals, anything that will remind you of what happened over the past year as well as what you had intended to accomplish.  Then, write down the answer to the follow questions: 

What did I accomplish in 2012?

What did I work hardest at?

Which accomplishment surprised me most – either that I hadn’t planned on accomplishing or that exceeded my expectations?

What were my disappointments?

If the past year was a movie, would it have been an action movie, comedy, satire, drama, thriller, cartoon, musical or documentary? What title would I give it? What role did I play?

What goals or intentions did I set for myself in 2012 did I not complete? What happened?

What were my greatest challenges in 2012?

What is the greatest achievement that I’m most proud of in 2012?

What new learning and insights did 2012 leave me with?

What will I intentionally leave behind in 2012? (limiting beliefs, habits or ways of thinking) 

What will I consciously carry forward into 2013 and continue working towards?

Write a list of at least 50 things/people/events/experiences you are grateful for in 2012.

Once this part is finished – safely burn or shred the paper you wrote one while saying “thank you 2012 for the ride!”

 In completing this exercise ask yourself: Have I appropriately celebrated my accomplishments and wins over the past year? Have I thanked the people who supported me in 2012? If not, what will you do to celebrate and acknowledge all the work you've done, the impact you've made, as well as those who have contributed value to your life over the past year?  

Coaching Tip:  Reframing Failure

Far too often we can be hard on ourselves for not meeting our goals or intentions for the year. If you did not accomplish something on your list, it is only considered to be a failure if it is a goal you still want to achieve, one that is really important for you the keep working at, but you choose to let it go instead. The journey to completing any goal is exactly that - a journey. It is a journey which often includes travelling along winding roads, up hills (usually steep ones!), down hills, along peaks and valleys, through various weather conditions, climates and terrains and in the end, it takes the time it takes. If you didn't complete something on your list in 2012, ask yourself the following questions: 

What was important to me about this goal when I decided to take it on?  

What is most important to me now in relation to this goal?  

What have I learnt so far? What has changed?

If I continue working towards this goal, what will it require of me? Who will I need to be?  

If I decide to let it go now, what impact will that decision have on my life 5 or 10 years from now?

Having answered the above questions, now decide:  Do I want to continue working towards this goal in 2013 or it is it time to let it go?  

While it may be tempting to that ask the last question first, I recommend keeping it to the end. Getting yourself thinking along the lines of values and what is important to you will lead you to make a more congruent decision about how important it is to keep working at it or to let it go. 

Do You See Who I See?

How are you seeing yourself?  As we grow and evolve, we don’t always notice just how much we’ve grown and evolved and who we’ve become.  We’re too close to ourselves to see ourselves as others see us.

I recall one day when I was working at the bank (in my previous life), I was just starting out in my new management role and I noticed one of the tellers looking at me in what felt like a truly respectful way, like he was seeking my approval. I remember how it struck me as very odd that someone could be seeking ‘my’ approval. He was seeing me, very differently than how I was seeing myself in that moment.   

Yesterday I was chatting with friend/colleague, who was sharing her experience of being approached to coach a high level executive within a large corporation. As I heard her go on about feeling like doing so was out of her league, I thought… am I hearing this right? Is she actually doubting her ability to coach someone based on their position and how much they earn?  Sure enough, that was exactly what was going on. What amazed me was that this is the sort of client I thought she was already working with. As a colleague and friend, I would not have even imagined that she was anything less than fully capable and qualified to coach such a person – heck, in my opinion Donald Trump would benefit from working with her!  

Having her share this experience with me reminded me of how normal it can be to not fully acknowledge our own growth and evolution – and it’s not just me.   

If you’re now wondering – “hey, maybe I’m not seeing myself quite as accurately as whom I am”, here is a challenge for you that I often give my clients.  Send an email to 3-5 people asking them to answer the following questions, candidly and honestly:

In your opinion, what are my best qualities?

What do you assume about me that may or may not be true?

If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?

These questions are just suggestions – use them, edit them or come up with your own. The idea is to give yourself the opportunity to see yourself as others see you – you may be surprised by how you’re seen! 

Re-Write Your History!

Re-Write Your History and Create the Future You Want!

Have you become a victim to your past? Decided you’re unlovable, unworthy or less than because of the meaning you’ve assigned to the experiences you’ve had?  Life happens, events occur – we see things, exchange words, experience feelings and then we use our interpretation of what we’ve experienced to assign meaning to it all. Have you ever noticed that a number of people can participate in the same event yet each person will have their own unique experience of it?  My honey and I can watch the same movie, seeing the same scenes and hearing the same words yet we don’t always re-act the same to it. He’ll laugh when I cry and usually one of us ends up enjoying the movie more than the other.  

This is exactly what we do in our lives – we assign meaning to the events we experience, based on how we’ve interpreted it at the time. The meaning then becomes our memory of the event, having a natural influence on the flow of our lives. Our past, which remains part of us, continues to influence how we participate in creating our lives moving forward. Every time a memory is triggered in a present moment, the emotional tone (energy) of the meaning we’ve previously assigned to it naturally influences how we are creating in that moment - it becomes part of the mix.

“The only meaning that anything has is the meaning we give it.”  A Course in Miracles

If the meaning you’ve given your past is not supporting you in creating the life you want now – change it! Sounds easy, doesn’t it? Not always.  Not when the meaning  we’ve given the story is keeping us safe or powering us up by making us feel important, right or justified. This sort of empowerment is usually gained through a limiting power source – a source that takes from another in a depreciating way.

Power gets its juice from feeding off of another source of energy.  Limiting power like thoughts have a, “I’m better, smarter, more beautiful, more creative, more…. than they are” ring to them, lifting oneself up while putting someone else down. Or like “I’m not as good/smart/pretty/tall/thin/creative… as them”; putting oneself down while inflating another – possible putting them on a pedestal  for the sake of keeping oneself safe (and small).

True or real sourced power feeds off of the never ending abundant supply of potential and possibility that is freely available to all – and harms none! True power thoughts sound like “I can do this”, “I am enough”, “I am learning and growing” or “what is possible now?”  Notice how the focus is on the self – self acknowledging, self accepting and self motivating. When we don’t include the ‘other’ in our own meaning, we neither puff them up nor knock them down, the meaning you give is about YOU. Other people will assign their own meaning to a shared event and it will be about them.  As tempting as it is to take another person’s meaning personally – it serves us to remember that it isn’t.    

If reality is an illusion, what illusion do you want to create as your reality?

We can’t go back and change the ‘facts’ of the past; we need to accept the facts as they are. What we can do is go back and change the meaning or story that we’ve made up about our past. Doing so, changes the impact and influence the past is having on our lives in the present and going forward.

Let’s take the example of being laid off from a job due to restructuring; many of us have had this sort of experience at least once.  The feeling of being laid off doesn’t usually feel great – even when it’s what we’ve secretly (or not so secretly) been wishing for, actually being asked to leave the building or to being escorted off the premises can sting. Far too often after this sort of experience I’ve heard people make up stories like “I wasn’t appreciated, someone was out to get me, I must have something wrong – all these sort of ‘meanings’ can leave one feeling rejected –again, not a pleasant feeling. They can also leave a person feeling disempowered, which is NOT a resourceful state to be in when looking of  new employment or planning your next steps.

What we need to do in such a case is separated the facts from the fiction. This actually happened to me in 2003 – I was laid off from my banking job without cause. And even though I was able to COMPLETELY recognize how I had consciously participated in creating the experience, on the day it un-expectantly happened, it stung! I told myself a whole much of *BS* that I needed to later retract. The FACTS were that I was no longer employed. I had been told I was laid off without cause, meaning  I had not done anything wrong – it served me best to believe that.  It was not where I wanted to stay career wise and I had already been working towards a new career. Those were the facts.  The story that served me without belittling anyone else (or myself) is that I needed to be let go, so that I could focus on the career I really wanted for myself. That if this was happening now, it must be time! One door had closed forcing me to walk through the other door that had already been opened. When I attach that story to the experience of being laid off, it feels empowering and promising – a bit scary for sure, however in an exciting way.

Changing the meaning of a past event may not necessarily erase the one you had previously assigned to it.  When I recall hearing the words and being escorted out of the branch, a slight sting still remains. I now use that feeling as a trigger that reminds me of my power to “choose” the story I remember… guess which one I chose?

We humans do tend to be creatures of habit; choosing a more empowering meaning or reinforcing a new story can take time. Be kind to yourself as you work on retraining your mind to more regularly tap into potential and possibility while harming none, the source of true power, when assigning meaning to life’s events.

Re-write the meaning of your past and become the hero/heroine of your own life’s journey.

Awakening the Energy of Your Core - Video

Back in February  Your Stage  put ME in the spotlight to share and experience Awakening to the Energy of Your Core!

Dream Dump

 

http://www.josephinewall.co.uk/

This year as  we get ready to enter 2012, feels like a good time to do some heavy duty  clearing. Time for a “Dream Dump”!  I  know, I know, I’m the coach. I’m the one who’s suppose to help you connect to  your dreams, bring them to life, and here I am suggesting you “dump” them.

The world as we’ve known it is continuing to change right  before our eyes. We are living in a time when being empowered, living  consciously and conscientiously, making choices that are aligned with the  wellbeing of our planet and all of its inhabitants, has (thankfully) become  more important than pursuing the frivolous life. Yet many of us still have the  energy of the ‘dreams’ of our past, based on a less congruent way of living,  pulling at us, having us sometimes feel at odds with… well, with ourselves. Do  you ever feel yourself ‘knowing’ what the right thing to do is yet you  experience yourself doing something different?  This is an indication that you may be operating under the influence of  an old, outdated ‘dream’.

The sort of dreams that I’m referring to  include the ones we’ve imagined about how life “should” be, as well as the  stories we’ve made up about the life we’ve had. They include the perceived  nightmares and demons of our past that keep us from seeing beyond our struggles  and failures. They include the fantasies we’ve made up about how people in our  lives should be (versus accepting who they are), the unmet expectations we’ve
had of them and of the events that have sometimes lead to disappointments and  feelings of betrayal. This sort of energy keeps us anchored to a disempowered  version of ourselves, others and potential.

In order to make ALL of who you are available for the new,  you need to get rid of ALL who you were - including your old DREAMS. As
mythologist Joseph Campbell puts it,  “We must let go of  the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”  

Dream Dump Exercise:

Grab a piece of paper and write your name at the top, followed  by Dream Dump. Mine looks like this:

Kim’s Dream Dump

 

Take all of  the dreams and nightmares you’ve made up, as well as the ones you’ve inherited  from your family and society, and dump them on the page in writing.

To help you prepare for the dream dump, I’ve included a  Wheel of Life. As you consider each spoke in the wheel, ask yourself these two
questions:

1. Is  there a dream (my own or one I’ve inherited) that has not come to fruition
   in this area?
2. What  are the dreams and nightmares I’ve made up in this area?

For example: Career: Dream of  working with partners.  I’ve made up that  I need to work with others, that I can’t be successful on my own. I’ve made up  that I don’t work well with others, that I have to do it all by myself.

You may find that some of the  dreams you hold contradict each other (like mine above). This is completely  normal and a good reason to dump them ALL.  One of the side effects to doing this exercise is that you may uncover  the source of many of your internal conflicts. Becoming conscious of them will  empower you to choose more congruently in the New Year.

Remember to include all that  you’ve made up about others and yourself – stuff like “I’m not good enough”,  “It’s not safe to be myself with others”, “I can’t trust him” or “She’ll never  understand me”. It is amazing the stuff we can make up from a single  experience.

Now, I realize that what I’m  about to suggest next is going to sound counter intuitive however, I want you  to ‘dump’ all the good dreams too. Hear me out; imagine going to your favorite  restaurant and discovering they’ve taken your favorite dessert – say chocolate  mousse – off the menu. Now you’re forced to either try a new dessert, or go  without. You decide to order the amaretto cheesecake and you love it!  As you’re eating your new favorite dessert, inspiration hits!  What if you got the recipes for both desserts  and combined them? You’d have an amaretto chocolate mousse cheesecake. Oh  my!  Can you imagine how scrumptious that  would be?

For some of us this is not going  to be an easy breezy exercise. Personally, I was surprised at how challenging  it was to come up with a dream dump to use here as an example. For others, the  idea of completing this exercise may not resonate at all - trust yourself.  The intention of this exercise is to free  ourselves up from the past, so that more of who we are, and more of what is  possible will avail itself as we move into consciously creating 2012 and  beyond.

When you feel like all of your  dreams have been dumped, destroy them!  If you can safely do so, burn them; if not, shred them.

Once the dreams are dumped and  destroyed, then what?     

Enjoy Your Dream Vacation!

 

Once you’ve dumped and destroyed all of your dreams – breath deep!!  Take the rest of the year to remain empty and allow the festivities of the
holidays to dance in the space you’ve created. Similarly to taking a vacation  from work, you’re taking a vacation from your dreams.  Schedule January 1^st 2012 as the  “return to dreaming” date, the day when you can start contemplating about  what’s next, allowing your mind to wonder through all the potential within you  and around you – to make it all up again from scratch… but until then, bask in  the vast expansiveness your dream dump has created and enjoy your  ‘dream  vacation’.

 

© 2011 All Rights Reserved Conscious Creation

Patches 1992-2011

Dear Patches

Thank you for the joy and love you brought to my life. From the day I found you at the Humane Society, full of nippy spunk and energy, our loving connection grew. Your purrs that soothed, snuggles that warmed, licks of affection and growls of protection are going to be missed. So many fond memories and soulful, heartfelt moments.

While my eyes cry, my heart feels the joy and happiness you get to now experience at the Rainbow Bridge. I’ll be awhile, so enjoy yourself and your regained freedom. And feel free to come back in another form of cat or dog and we can pick up where we left off in sharing the Love.

Love you my dear feline friend. I’m more having experienced your Love.
Kim

Guilt's Gift

Guilt and shame get such a bad rap. I do understand how it may not be everyone’s cup of tea, it doesn’t usually make us feel very good; it makes us feel small, shallow… like we want crawl under something and just disappear. Guilt and shame are awful feelings to have… however if they can serve a purpose are they really all that bad?

I use to hate guilt – I’d tell people I have no use for it! However in spite of my attempts to reject it – I kept feeling it. Its perseverance has helped me to recognize the gifts of guilt and shame.

Guilt has served me well over the years. It has helped me to be a better a friend, to myself and others. It’s helped me recognize when I wasn’t living my values or when I was doing something for the wrong reason. It has made me kinder, more patient and understanding. Guilt serves as a moral compass, pointing me towards how to be a better person when I forget… and we all forget every now and then. I’m very grateful to guilt, for being the kick in the butt I’ve needed when I’ve slacked off on my exercise routine, the inspiration I’ve needed to write a new blog post (like this one  ) and the empowerment I’ve needed when I’ve been tempted to give my power away to someone or something outside of myself.

Making friends with guilt is one of the best things I’ve ever done. Now when it creeps in – and oooh I know the feeling so well that I can usually sense when it’s been triggered even the slightest – when it creeps in, I pay attention. I ask myself: “What am I compromising in this moment? Which one of my values am I stepping on? What is my intention? What do I really want to do or say? What is most important to me?” Or if the feeling has come in “after – the – fact” then I’ll ask myself: “What was my intention at the time? Was that the best I could do in the moment, given what I knew then? Would I do it again? What would I do differently next time?”
Most importantly… I ask myself whether or not I need to apologize to someone and if so, I do. As a friend, guilt and shame can make you think before choosing and reflect after the fact to learn and grow from experience.

Guilt helps me take responsibility for myself, to be responsible of me and who I am choosing to be. By working with the feelings of guilt or shame when they come up, instead of trying to deny their existence or push them away, I give myself the opportunity of expressing the better version of myself in that moment.

Yes – guilt feels awful and can make you want to curl up and disappear – however if you let it, it will show you its gift and help you stand tall and shine. Your choice!

Year End RItual

 This is a two part exercise. First we acknowledge and celebrate ALL that you’ve accomplished in 2010. Take the time to acknowledging yourself, your efforts, your contribution, your successes and wins and even the perceived failures as there were gems to be gleaned from them too which makes them a success! Hopefully you’ve been expressing self gratitude all year round – and if not, this is the time to really let yourself have it!! Celebrate!!

In part two, you get to clean up any unfinished business – whether that is on a physical or emotional level. I love what Caroline Myss advices on wounded stories – tell it three times and then move on! I see the end of the year as a good time to consciously move on; to release any disempowering stories and the emotions connected to them that affect your energy so as not to drag them into the New Year. Sometimes letting go of the story and feelings IS as simple as deciding to do so, while other times it isn’t as simple as that. When it isn’t that easy, there is often more to learn from the experience, for our own personal growth and for that reason I have included some exercises that help facilitate the release of as much as possible now.

Ideally, you complete the exercises prior to the year’s end, consciously entering the New Year full of gratitude and ready to focus on what you want to consciously create in 2011.

In summary, part one is about reviewing and celebrating the year. This is an opportunity to recall and possibly gain further awareness or insights from the events of 2010. Part two is about releasing, forgiving and expressing gratitude for all of the events that made up 2010.
The exercise may take you from one hour to as much time as you need to complete.
So go get your 2010 journal, diary, agenda and anything else that will help jog your memory of the past year as well as a pen and paper. Get nice and comfy, creating a sacred environment for yourself - light some candles, burn some incense and have some tea, wine or favorite beverage.

Part One
The Year’s Review

Review the events of the year and take some time now to gain whatever more you can from the experiences. We all know the value of hind sight – time and distance provide a new perspective from which we can glean more insights from the more challenging and memorable events of our life.

Starting with January of 2010 ask yourself the following questions as you work your way through the year.
• What were the key events of 2010
• What did you learn as a result of these experiences? What else?
• Who was involved in your life this year and in what capacities? What part of you did they reflect/mirror? What part of you, reflected in them, did you accept or reject?
• What and who assisted in your growth this year?
• What obstacles have you overcome?
• What goals did you accomplish?
• How did you contribute yourself and talents this year? To whom?
• How were other people impacted by your contribution to their lives over the past year? (Be generous here!!)
• What goals did you set and did not yet accomplish? Are you complete with this goal? Does it still align with your values? Is it time to let it go or recommit with some alterations perhaps?
• How did you stretch beyond your perceived abilities - meaning do things you didn't think you could or would have done in prior years.
• How are “you” different from who “you” were in January of 2010

Cleaning up 2010
If you find yourself having any unpleasant emotional responses in respect to any of the events of the past year, here are some methods to use that will serve to guide you towards the core of these emotions helping you release them. No need to do them all and doing a combination may be valuable. The variety is offered to honor that one method does not necessarily fit all!
1. Ask yourself: What is still triggering me? What more can I learn from this event that I simply haven’t recognized yet? Take a step back and look at the experience objectively, as if it happened to someone else. See yourself in the situation, as if you are looking at a movie. From this position, what do you notice that is new, different? What else can you now learn from this perspective that wasn’t as clear before? It may help to discuss the situation with someone who wasn’t involved.

2. Close your eyes, center yourself, take a few deep breaths… that’s right… right from the diaphragm. Picture the person that you still have an emotion towards in your mind’s eye, or think of them and feel their vibration. Ask them “What other message(s) do you have to offer me?” Listen. Then go within and ask if there is a message you have for them. Listen. If it feels appropriate to communicate a message directly to the other person, do your best to do so prior to the year’s end; by voice, in-person or by writing. If it does not feel appropriate to do so, write it down and then tear it up or burn it.

If you did get a message for them, ask yourself how this message could possibly assist you as well. (often the advice we get for others applies to us as well ;) )

3. Close your eyes, center yourself, take a few deep breaths… that’s right…right from the diaphragm.
Go over the experience in your mind. Notice the emotions that are arising within you.
Are you being reminded of any other past event? If yes, what are the similarities? Can you recall any events just prior to the one you are exploring? What you are doing here is making a connection to how you participated in attracting the experience and you may possibly recognize a pattern. What you learn from the experience now, may assist you in not repeating the pattern again or to at least recognize if it shows up again.

4. Write it out. Write out the experience and your emotions. While writing ask yourself questions to lead you to more understanding, such as; What does this emotion tell me about how I really felt? If I knew of another experience that had the same feeling connected with it, what might it be? How would I have interpreted this event without this feeling? What am I making the feelings mean? What were the facts? What am I making the facts mean? What else could they mean? Is the feeling connected to the facts or what I made the facts mean? What happens emotionally when I change the meaning of the facts? Continue with any questions that come to you until you feel complete.

This final exercise is powerfully effective in connecting with any remaining emotions such as hurt, regret, disappointment, betrayal or even anger that you may still be feeling towards a person. Over the past year many of us had some more challenging experiences that contributed to our growth, however may have included painful circumstances in order to facilitate our evolutionary journey. These included experiences that may have felt like you’d been betrayed, abandoned, lied to, deceived or just left you confused. If when you think of the person(s) involved and are still feeling like authentic forgiveness is a big leap, then this final exercise may provide the deeper insights and lesson to free yourself, allowing forgiveness to heal and release. I do feel a responsibility to add a word of caution before completing this one:
Do not complete this exercise if you are healing emotions from sexual abuse, physical abuse or rape. This exercise is not to be completed for extremely strong emotions that a person may have from more traumatic experiences, where they may have been harmed physically or deeply psychologically. If you have had such an experience and are looking to release the emotions associated with such traumatic events, or if you are feeling emotionally or mentally unwell, please speak to your psychologist or a licensed therapist.

Reflection Exercise
For this exercise you’ll need a mirror and a candle. You can either stand or sit in front of one, ensuring you’ll be in a comfortable position to complete the exercise.
Light the candle, positioning it within easy view, while consciously connecting to your higher self, god self, greater self – that part of you that is loving and wise beyond reason.
Once you feel this connection, look into the mirror and think about the person whom you still are not feeling at peace with, that you want and are ready to let go of.
Thinking of this person, while looking into your own eyes, imagine that you are looking into their eyes. Notice how you feel as you think of this person and see them in your reflection.
Whatever emotion you are feeling towards them, you are also feeling towards a part of you.
Ask: “ What part of me is this feeling about?” Listen for the answer. If the answer feels incomplete, simply take a deep breath in and out, remaining focused on seeing their face and eyes as you are looking at yours, connected to your greater self and either repeat the question or request “Tell me more.”
When you feel you’ve connected to the deeper insight or lesson, ask: “How do I let this feeling go? What is required of me?”
Wait for the answer.
Remember all choices are yours. Follow the guidance of your greater self. If for any reason you do not feel able to fulfill it’s (your) request, continue the conversation by stating so and ask how else…. Continue conversing with your greater self, while maintaining eye contact in the mirror and imagining it is the other person whose eyes you are gazing into.
Ask; “Is there anything else I need, in order to be at peace with …. (name of person) and the part of me they represent?”
Listen.
Continue asking your greater self questions until you experience looking at into your eyes, imagining them looking back at you, and feeling either at peace, love, forgiveness, or neutral.
Once this feeling is present, thank them for the gift of serving you this way – providing you can do so authentically.
Look away from the mirror.
Blow out the candle with a feeling of gratitude for you connection to your greater self.
Exercise is complete.

If you need to do this exercise for more than one relationship, then I recommend that you complete each one fully as mentioned above. Get up and have a drink of water and then return to the spot and start again with the lighting of the candle. This is to ensure the connection to the prior person has been completed so that the next will have your complete energy and attention.
If none of these exercises work for some of the experiences, that is fine. It may not be the right time for you to be complete with the experience. Accept that you have done the best you can for now and trust that when the time is right, resolution will happen in the best way possible.

Part two
Once you have reviewed the year, acknowledge in writing all that you are grateful for, and all you are ready to release and/or forgive. Be sure to include your accomplishments, goals achieved, growth stretches, and obstacles overcome.

Release and Forgive
In respect to all the events and people involved, complete the following sentences:
I bless and release my experience of these events........ (list the various events)
I bless and forgive and release (name of person) Thank you for your active participation in my life.
Also take this time to release any outdated beliefs or attitudes that no longer serve you.
I bless and release my past need to……. (name belief or attitude you are releasing) I am grateful that it has served me in the past and brought me to this point in my life.

Celebrate with Gratitude
I believe we are all aware of the power of gratitude! Focus on your heart center, allowing it to fill with love and appreciation as you complete the following sentences for each event or person (including you) you wish to express gratitude for:

I am grateful for........ (brief summary of event)
I am grateful for……. (name of person and briefly why).
I am grateful to have had ……. (name the impact of your contribution)…. impact on….. (person, people or system you impacted).
Once complete, if you are able to safely do so, burn these papers with the intention that doing so symbolizes the rejuvenating transformation that fire brings, promoting new growth! If you are unable to do so safely, you can shred them by hand feeling the release and gratitude as you do so.

YEAH!!!! You have just created a vibrant, clear space within yourself having released the energy of 2010, creating space which can now be filled with your dreams and aspirations for 2011! The energy of gratitude that you allow to trail behind you, will naturally draw more for you to be grateful for in the coming year. .

Take some time in the New Year to articulate what you want in your life, for your life and how you want to show up in 2011. What do you want to accomplish, contribute and how do you want to grow? Celebrate bringing in the year by create a fun collage that reflects your aspirations for 2011.

Thank you for having contributed to my life in 2010 and I wish you all the best as you consciously participate in co-creating 2011!

© 2010 All Rights Reserved Conscious Creation

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Coaching With Compassion

 Coaching is a very magical experience.  And research is continuing to uncover scientific proof - very exciting!

Coaching with compassion can 'light up' human thoughts

ScienceDaily (2010-11-19) -- Researchers have used an fMRI to document reactions in the human brain to compassionate and critical coaching methods. Students tended to activate areas of the brain associated with openness to learning when working with coaches who inspired them. Students tended to shut down when coaches were perceived as judgmental. ... > read full article

Stop doing.....

I just came across this great question while reading the description of Marshall Goldsmith’s book, “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There”.

“Instead of your usual “To-Do” list, start your “To-Stop” list. Ask yourself, “What am I willing to change right now?” “.

People hire me as their coach to discuss the changes they want to make in their lives. Included in these discussions are often the details of what they no longer want in their lives, such as what they no longer want to be doing. But then we usually go on to discuss what they will do instead… adding to their “to do” lists more and more things to do. I really like Goldsmith’s suggestion of a “to stop” list. To me this means meeting myself exactly where I am in the moment – doing something perhaps unproductive or unconstructive – and doing the very next smallest step… which is STOPPING! I love it! Adding to a “to do” list sometimes ends up contributing to the overwhelming amount of things we already have to do, where as a “to stop” list feels more like taking away from the list of things to do - it's a relief! It may seem like a simply enough reframe, however if it feels better, chances are you’re going to end up with better results.

Here is an invitation to work with Goldsmith’s suggestion, with a twist of Kim (I haven’t actually picked up the book yet so I’m making up the structure). At the end of the day, take some time to reflect. Was there anything that happened during the day that you really would have liked to have seen turn out differently? Perhaps during a conversation you found yourself reacting in a way that triggered a chain of emotional reactions, directing the conversation off topic or to an unwanted result. Or maybe there was a project that didn’t turn or as planned or wasn’t completed on time. Whatever the situation, ask yourself, “What specifically did I do that contributed to this outcome?” Take a few moments to reflect on the thinking pattern, behavior or action that contributed to the experience and acknowledge how you specifically participated in the resulting outcome. You may want use a journal for the process or simply spend time contemplating the experience. Next ask, “What will I ‘stop doing’ to help this result to not happen again”. Add this to your “to stop” list. Don’t worry about what you’re going to do instead, by stopping what you were doing, by default you’ll have to do something else – even if that something else is nothing. Since your intention is to not experience the previous result again, when you stop doing what you did that participated in its happening, chances are that you’ll naturally do something that will lead to the result you want!

Myself, I’ve been noticing lately that I’m not as productive as I’d like to be. I participate in being unproductive by letting myself get distracted by surfing the web; hopping from one social site to the next checking out posts, looking to see if someone commented on a post I made or if there is a new post I want to comment on, checking my email, Googling whatever just popped into my mind… anybody relate to what I’m saying? I’ve added “I will stop the distractive behavior of web surfing while working on a task” to my “to stop” list. This post is a result of that commitment – I just resisted the urge to click on my email when I heard its familiar “ping” a moment ago. However, I do have to admit – this post is a result of getting sidetracked from what I was originally doing… which I’ll be getting back to now :)

Let me know how it goes!

The Magic of Acceptance and Contest Judging

“A little confused about this "Best Spiritual Book contest". I keep getting emails and FB posts from authors - some I know and some I don't - blatantly bribing me and everyone else on their lists, to vote for their book. Isn't this the kind of tactic many people scorn politicians for using.... and this is a "spiritual" book contest? Whoever the winner will be, the win will be a reflection of the votes they were able to solicit, not a reflection of the actual book. Am I missing something? I feel really judgmental about this.”

Over the weekend, I posted the above comment on my Facebook page, transparently admitting my confusion and judgment. A good friend who resonated with my observation encouraged me to not judge myself for the discernment I was expressing, which was a very kind comment. However what I noticed was that the moment I expressed my judgment, thereby acknowledging and accepting the feeling, any “self judgment” that had momentarily crept in, magically disappeared. Through my acceptance of it, I was immediately able to observe my feeling of judgment for what it was, a feeling, and I became more curious about how I felt. This curiosity lead me to check out was the contest’s website to learn more about it.

There, I discovered that my impression that the results of the contest would be a reflection of the votes a contestant was able to solicit actually was one of the intentions of the contest. The whole purpose of the first round in this contest was to teach contestants how to make themselves and their message more visible. This first round, had NOTHING to do with anything the authors may have written – the main intention of this round was to narrow down the contestants to the top 250 authors who could solicit the most votes.

On the site it states: “In this first round the authors rally the support of those they know and learn the art of promoting their message and book. This provides the author with a real life experience of publishing and promoting a book.” http://www.nexttopspiritualauthor.com/ By reading the website, I learnt that one of the main intentions of the contest was to help authors learn more about how to market themselves so that they can be more successful as authors. The more I read about the contest, the more I can appreciate what it is all about. James Twyman shares this about the competition on his personal website http://www.jamestwyman.com/: “The competition, which includes a people’s choice element, will help to establish a publishing path for an emerging spiritual author. Beyond that, all participants – winner or not – will be allowed to participate in an eight-month home study program that will provide them with the skills they need to become a successful author.”

So, all contestants are winning the 8 month home study program - I love it when everyone’s a winner!!

While I still stand by that I don’t care much for being excessively spammed and bribed by people I don’t know, I now understand that for many of the contestants who emailed me, doing so was an exercise to help them stretch out of their comfort zones and that I can support.

Even with the understanding of how the contest is designed, I was still curious about the judgment that got triggered by the numerous emails and posts I received. Another friend made a comment to my post, sharing that she was feeling out the energy of the emails/requests and discerning whether she felt the person was coming from a place of love and generosity or personal desire. When I tuned in, I felt that many were coming from both, and I didn’t really have a problem with either. It is normal for people to desire winning a contest; to desire having their message be heard and understandable to desire wanting that so much they are willing to give stuff away (bribe) in exchange for votes in the hopes of possibly winning a publishing contract especially when that is what they are being encouraged to do. As I acknowledged this new feeling that was now associated with the contest, I wondered how it was that the feeling of judgment got triggered first, and not the more generous energy that I can sense now?

As I continued to curiously sit with this inquiry, I realized that the idea of “bribing for votes” triggers a feeling of dishonesty. I’m immediately reminded of stories I’ve heard through the media where individuals used such tactics to gain votes that would win them positions of power, instead of qualifying for the position due to the true value they intend on bringing to the position. I’m noticing that whenever I witness the tactic of “bribing for a vote” being uses, the past energy of dishonesty is triggered and I immediately become suspicious of whoever is using it. The more my suspicious I become the more judgmental I become – and it that state, I’m not very open.

This is what responding from autopilot is like – which most of us do often, each and every day. We react to situations based on past experiences that get anchored into us. When something happens that is similar to a past experience, it triggers the associated anchored response, which is easy to go along with because it’s already been proven. When this happens with my coaching clients, after acknowledging and accepting how they feel, I ask questions to peek their curiosity, which often encourages them to seek out more information, leading to new understandings and perspectives to discern from. And this was exactly what I did for myself. By first acknowledging and accepting how I felt, not making myself wrong for it, I ignited my curious nature which then opened me up to see more of what is there to see.

As I realized I was reacting to a past association to a tactic that felt dishonest, I wondered how I would have responded to these emails if my first or prevalent association with “bribing for votes” was connected an experience that felt honest or generous. If my past association to the tactic was that I’d gained something of value in return for a vote and if all my vote did, was help someone be seen for the value they had to offer, how differently might I have responded to the numerous requests for votes I received? I imagine that if my overriding association to “bribing for votes” was from that perspective, I probably would have been inclined to vote for each person I resonated with. Or I may have simply been inclined to support them all for having the courage to step out of their comfort zones to support themselves in getting their message out.

As a result of putting my own judgment out there to be seen and heard, not only did I gain clarity about this particular contest – I also learnt more about what was at the core of the resistance I’ve been feeling towards other marketing strategies that I’ve had a hard time aligning with. I realize that most of my judgments of other marketing methods are based on negative associations. Not sure if I’ll be jumping on their band wagon anytime soon, however if there is something there for me, I’m now in a new perspective from which to discern my alignment to it from and it feels… open :)

To all of the contestants that made it to the second round – congratulations on your well earned success and the best of luck to you all.